This post is a first for me. Usually I don't post about something like dating, believe me I already have enough conversations about it with my friends. However, last weekend I went to IHOP at 1:00 AM on a Friday. I want to throw out the disclaimer that this isn't something I normally do at 26, I realize I am no longer a freshman in college. This in itself isn't worthy of a post. Although I did find it highly entertaining that the host who seated us was a cop who was on duty, in uniform, with a walkie talkie on his belt. And one of my guy friends I was with was wearing a too tight, brightly colored women's cardigan that my roommate had bought at salvation army for an ugly sweater party. I loved watching everyone's reactions to it.
The point of this post is that one of my friends brought up that a girl had recently told him "Someday you're going to make some girl so happy" and this got us into a conversation of lame things that guys or girls have said to us to let us know (they think kindly) that they didn't want to date us. Would it be that bad for someone to just say, "I'm sorry, but I just don't have any romantic feelings for you?" For some reason we feel like we have to soften the blow by making up excuses and try to turn rejection into some kind of compliment. It was a pretty funny conversation. I'll go ahead and give a couple from my life to start things off and then I would love to hear these type of comments that you've either given or received. Of course I've gotten the "you're just like a sister to me" this translates as I have absolutely no romantic feelings toward you, nor will I ever. I also had a guy who took me out four times in two weeks, and then on my birthday take me to the beach at Utah Lake where we had a little bonfire and made smores and then he told me he was sorry but he just didn't want a girlfriend. The action of taking a girl out every three days are not consistent of the words that you don't want a girlfriend. The worst though was a guy that I was into who told me that "I want to date someone just like you" that's just offensive. He may have meant it as some backwards compliment, but seriously.
I'm not writing this out of bitterness, I just find it amusing that we have such a hard time being honest and a lot of times by not just saying how we really feel we make the situation worse. Maybe if we all realize how ridiculous we sound when we say these kinds of things we'll stop saying them and just be honest.
Anyone else have an example they would like to share or a strong opinion on the importance of honesty?
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Ha! Jenny, this post is hilarious - as were the bits of re-cap I heard of this conversation. Those are some doozys - 'someday you'll make someone so happy?'... you can see someone meaning that so sincerely, and it still being all wrong to SAY. I had a guy give me the 'the timing's just off speech' after he'd pushed so hard for the timing to be on. Code: I'm not as into it as I thought I'd be, so I'm going to pin it on something you'd already deemed an issue. Nice. I think my worst softener was 'oh, you just think you have those feelings... you're confused.. the emotional intimacy of friendship is getting to you.' Oops.
ReplyDeleteWell, with approximately 5-9 years more dating experience than many of our married friends, I guess we're bound for some memorable moments.
Oh my gosh, Sarah, that one is pretty bad. "You just think you have those feelings???" Seriously, who is he to decide? Oh my gosh, the things we say and have said to us, it really is a miracle that we all keep in this crazy game!
ReplyDeleteHa - did I clarify.. .that's the worst line I'VE used. Humiliating looking back. And lame. Let's keep this miracle going, and look forward to a brief escape on a warm, tropical beach. Loved the exhibit tonight, and can't wait to hear about the summit!
ReplyDeletehmm. one time i told a guy that he was like a brother to me but the thing is i really was into him, i think i said it as sort of a defense mechanism! later we started dating and he told me that when i said that it completely threw him off the track for several weeks [obviously]. whoops!
ReplyDeleteanother time, a guy i was dating told me he didn't want a gf. this was fine with me as we were not serious at all. but then just a couple weeks later he started dating one of my close friends and they got married so... yeah, uh-huh, riiiiight.
of course there are more but... there are ALWAYS more.
I loved this post. It is so refreshing to just put your dating thoughts out onto the world wide web. I once heard this, "You are too good for me. Really. I just could never match up to what you deserve."
ReplyDeleteHe did not mean it...but he was correct.
Ok, I feel bad because I have a REALLY hard time breaking up with a guy so I always make up lame excuses. Actually, no, I'm even worse than that. I usually don't even have the guts to tell a guy I no longer have feelings for him so I just phase him out by not answering phone calls, returning texts, etc. This leaves the guy totally frustrated and confused until he eventually gives up and wonders for years if I was kidnapped or just unexpectedly died. I'm lame.
ReplyDeleteWould it be too hypocritical to say I prefer "selective honesty"?
ReplyDeleteI once had a guy tell me that I was perfect in every way, BUT -- (1) I didn't snowboard, (2) I didn't mountain bike, and (3) I didn't like the "Samples." (I liked the Samples, but they were not my favorite band and they were his). Needless to say, I waited until after we broke up for good, before I took up skiing, bought a mountain bike (so fun!)...and, well, he totally ruined the Samples, so that was a lost cause.
As for lame comments... "You are a spitting image of my brother that would be incest" (not my proudest moment)...I sadly have used "one lucky girl is going to be so happy someday when they find you" to too many times guys (and to friends when I mention the guy), and yes the tried and true "it's not you; it's me" line." That is only after my attempts to put him in the friend zone and/or "phase him" out attempts failed. I'm lame, as well. You would think after so many years I would be able to get the "talk" down. Maybe I should retract my "selective honesty" statement and be like Pam in the Office at Beach Night.
well, I cant think of anything i've said..but something that came to mind was my best friend Curt in college. We had a bunch of classes t/g and it was one of those relationships that everyone wanted us to get married he was really territorial of me but we never dated. He was just starting to date someone and I liked one of his friends at the time (which he knew of course). Instead of offering up advice on how to "snag" his friend he goes "your need and are going to marry someone like me". Uh, seriously?! I hope not!!!
ReplyDeleteha! ok lets hear from a dude's point of view. I have heard some mad lame excuses as well. "One day Kristjan, you will meet girl will make me look like dog poop." My ultimate, all-time favorite cop out is this response "Oh you know, what is meant to happen, will happen." Ahahahaha.
ReplyDelete